According to me (and anyone who wants to agree with me)…networking is doing WHAT you want to do with WHO you want to do it with.
Ideally I don’t have referral sources in one bucket and friends in another and colleagues in a third…the goal is that all of these are all the same bucket.
The more time I spend with people I genuinely like and enjoy the company of, the more success I find.
But what makes someone into someone I want to spend time with? Sure, my gut tells me so and when I see them on my calendar I get that sense of joy of GETTING to see them rather than the dread (Pirate Roberts) of HAVING to see them. But what gives me that feeling?
Richard Koch (author of the 80/20 book series) says it takes 5 things…let’s see if I (or we) agree.
1. Mutual Enjoyment – The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Effect 
Just like our favorite pizza-loving turtles, the best relationships stem from genuinely enjoying each other’s company. A study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests that shared laughter is a key component of relationship satisfaction. Whether it’s a client or a coworker, finding common ground and a reason to smile can be the secret sauce to a lasting bond, much like the camaraderie in the sewers of New York City.
So laughter is not ONLY the best medicine, but a keen way to know if someone is enjoying your company (or you enjoying theirs). Bonus points on if it’s genuine laughter and not forced…the human body will know.
2. Respect – The Professor X Principle
The beauty of having a kid is now I get to share a lot of stuff with him and see it through his eyes. And obviously the media companies get that because when I was about 5, X-Men the Animated Series came out…and now that my son is 6, X-Men 97 exists.
The thing that I ALWAYS loved about X-Men was that humans (or the government) tended to be the real villains. The major difference was Charles Xavier’s respect for both mutants and humans, where Magneto was more a Mutant’s first kind of guy.
According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, respect can not only improve relationships but also boost self-esteem and well-being. It’s about seeing and valuing the Storm or Jean Grey in everyone.
And I agree with this, if you like someone but don’t respect them…it’s tough to build a relationship. I think of how every networking group has that one person who is nice…but clients hate their work and we cannot send to them.
And if you’re sitting here unable to think of that person I hope it’s because you have an amazing over the top awesome group and not that you ARE that person.
3. Shared Experience – The Frodo and Samwise Saga
Just as Frodo wouldn’t have gotten far without Sam, shared experiences strengthen our connections. Psychological studies, including one in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, highlight that shared experiences, especially challenging ones, increase our bond with others.
Whether it’s navigating a tough case or brainstorming under pressure, these shared quests forge deeper, more meaningful relationships…which makes sense when your referral sources are other lawyers, doctors who help the same clients, and other people in the community that believe in the same sense of relationship building that you do.
4. Reciprocity – The Han Solo and Chewbacca Exchange
Relationships, like the force, need balance. Putting aside the fact that I still don’t understand how in the era of 10,000 Jedi and 2 Sith…Anakin bringing BALANCE to the force was supposed to be helpful to the Jedi…but oh well…I digress.
Reciprocity, or the mutual exchange of favors and goodwill, is key. It can’t be one sided…it has to be more of a Han Solo and Chewbacca dynamic – a give-and-take that forms the backbone of strong partnerships.
Harvard research underscores that reciprocity is a foundational element in human relationships, building trust and cooperation. So this doesn’t mean it has to be 1 referral for 1 referral (or anything where the score is truly kept)…but if the person isn’t doing ANYTHING for you…it’s going to impact the relationship.
Pro-tip – Benjamin Franklin (who my son thinks he is the reincarnated version of…another story for another time) used to ASK for a favor when he wanted someone to like him. This would cause the other person to have to think in their mind that they did like him (or else why would they do him the favor). So if the other person isn’t giving anything…maybe try asking for something.
5. Trust – The Dumbledore’s Army Foundation
Last but not least, trust is the invisible force holding relationships together. Like the bond Dumbledore shared with his students, trust is built over time, through consistency and reliability. Studies, including one from Psychological Science, show that trust increases cooperation and fosters successful collaborations.
I have to be honest here…anytime someone posts in a group asking for a referral and then makes the call based upon the % of referral fee…my blood boils.
To be clear, we pay the maximum % associated attorney fee allowed by Florida law to our referral sources, but we also do an incredible job on every case. When I make a referral I don’t give a shit about $500 or $2500 back, I want to TRUST you to do such an amazing job that the client comes back to one of us for their next need (and the one after that, and after that, etc).
I also want to trust that you will show up when you say you will (or alert me to a true emergency as they happen) and trust that you will do what you say you will do…and I hope you can trust me to do the same.
Jordan’s Extra One
Fear. I have a not running joke that all of the best relationships involve a little bit of fear.
I said this once to an employee and she said that she didn’t fear her husband. I asked if he feared her…and then she told me I was right.
And let me be VERY clear (or let me explain what I followed up with)…I am not talking about the best relationships involving the fear that the other person will go off the handle and cause emotional or physical harm.
I am talking about if you FEAR letting the other person down. That to me is the end all be all of a great relationship. If I feel that way, that means I really like you AND value you AND respect you AND want you to think positively of me AND 1,000,000 other things.
So keep that in mind as you continue to build amazing relationships with referral sources, vendors, clients, friends, spouses, business partners, and some people that check multiple boxes.
Until then…have a wonderful weekend!